Protect Ya Neck
by Spotlite
Summary: What if Naruto meets Killer-Bee one week before Genin exam? Hilarity? Terror? Complete and utter destruction? All that plus totally ill, hip-hop ninjutsu. God help us.


I don't own any of it.

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Like One Week Before the Start of Naruto…

**Verse 1: Bring Da Ruckus**

-

"Fuck!"

Killer Bee, the undoubtedly illest ninja in Kumogakure (if not the world) was shit-housed. The two drinks he was pounding down for another successful S-Rank mission turned into four. Then six.

Then eight ("Two-shots! One for me! One for Hachibi!" he vaguely remembered rhyming).

Then ten.

Then twelve.

Then he remembered Yugito telling him to stop grabbing her ass. After that, he saw bright colors. And then, finally, he woke up in the woods… which was alarming because Lightning Country was mostly mountains and shit. He was pretty sure that forests were a Fire Country thing.

"What kinda sense does that make? Fire Country… should have volcanoes and shit." He found himself mumbling.

He was somewhere in-between drunk and sober, in that dangerous state where dimensions tended to be flipped on their sides and even the most fly shinobi blew chunks like genin lightweights.

Which is what Killer Bee felt like doing, if he wasn't so concerned with his image.

Even if there was no one around…

Standing up (barely), he pulled out his primary sword, only to find that it was not in its best condition. Primarily, the blade was broken in half, with the top mysteriously missing. The rest of the sword was caked with dried blood.

"Damn. I was fucked up, yo!" he exclaimed.

He would have cared about his volume… if he was any other ninja than Killer Bee, hands down the most stylistic, dope ninja in the world (if not the universe). Besides, he was crunk: it deserved top decibel.

Although, if he hadn't been crunk, he might have heard the rustling of leaves from the seemingly undisturbed forest scenery around him.

'Hey, Hachibi!' Killer Bee called into his own mind.

'Ugh…' he was met with a groan that signified that the Eight-Tailed Beast was as wasted as Killer Bee was.

'Yo, ox! Did we get crunked up or what?'

'Shut up, idiot! You're too loud!'

'Hey! I didn't even know you could get smashed. Aren't you made of chakra or something?'

'Ugh… I don't know either… just shut up…' the Hachibi groaned. 'Let me sleep, bastard.'

'Damn, you're boring.' Killer Bee decided, as if he hadn't been talking to the Hachibi for years and years.

'And you suck at rapping, so shut up and get out of my domain.'

"Fair enough," Killer Bee said out loud. He finally sensed the chakra signatures that surrounded him and, while he knew that his brother (the not-so-ill "Raikage-sama") would have advised a stealth approach, Killer Bee decided to be as loud and obvious as possible. Not because he wanted to spite his annoying-ass brother (he did), but because sneaking around and shit was for all of those wanksta ninja.

"Posers," Killer Bee said, before pulling out his second and third swords. "Hey! Konoha-ANBU! You wanna fight!? Because you'd best get ready to face my might! 'Cause I fly like butterfly and sting like a bee!! You leaf posers can't even hope to defeat the likes of me!! I'm Killer Bee, S-Rank Shinobi from Kumogakure, you hear?!"

If one could hear the sound of sweat-drops…

After five whole minutes of silence, one of the ANBU finally appeared. From what Killer Bee could see, he was a plain and normal (see: lame) ANBU operative, dressed in the standard armor with a standard ninjato. The only thing that made him any different was the Tiger-mask on his face.

"I see! My opponent shows himself at last! Let me guess: a master of tiger-claw style kung-fu!" Killer Bee said. He was excited, but he also found that this was the best distraction from vomiting for a few hours.

The ANBU in question froze. "Uh, no…" he said.

The Kumo-nin deflated. "Huh?"

"Yeah… I have no idea what you're talking about," The ANBU said awkwardly.

"Seriously?" Killer Bee asked, his eye brows peaking above his sunglasses. "I thought Konoha had all of that awesome taijutsu."

The ANBU scratched his head. "Well… that's kind of a myth."

"Shit. Could you guys be more boring?!" Killer Bee asked.

All the operatives froze before Killer Bee felt a sliver of killer intent directed his way from each of them.

"That is unimportant," said the ANBU in front of him. "Killer Bee! You are trespassing in Fire Country terrority! Return to Lightning Country immediately or we will be forced to take drastic action."

His ears perked up. "Drastic action! You mean like a fight or something? Sweet."

None of the ANBU had expected the Kumo-nin to lunge at the nearest ANBU with both swords drawn.

"Once I sting, it's all over!"

-

"Dattebayo!"

Naruto looked up at the ball which he had kicked, surprised to see that it sailed over the tallest tree in the surrounding forest.

"Yeah! I'll be the strongest ninja in no time!" If he could kick a ball over a 150 foot tree that easily who was to say that he couldn't do other amazing stuff with his awesome strength?

He flexed his arm muscles (practically non-existent) and smiled. Then he pointed at a random rock before deciding: "You're next! I'll show you that I can truly be Hokage! Prepare yourself for the super-ninja: Uzumaki Naruto! Dattebayo!"

The rock didn't deserve to be attacked. Especially since it didn't deserve anything at all except to sit there and do nothing, like a rock was supposed to. The up-and-coming Godaime Hokage attacked it anyways. He was surprised to find that kicking a large rock was still as painful as it had been a few hours ago.

"I trained with the ball, but I'm still not strong enough yet!" Naruto whined, holding his leg in pain.

After the initial shock faded, the blonde loudmouth took a battle stance again. "Well, if pure strength won't work, then I'll need to use my inner strength!"

He gave no pause to realize that he had no idea what he was talking about. All that the eleven-year old airhead knew was that every hero in all of the manga that he had read would always win by using "inner strength." He figured that he, the greatest hero in Konoha, would have it to.

Suddenly, the rock was no longer a rock, but rather a generic Iwa-nin standing in a threatening battle stance.

"Ha! You stupid Leaf-nin! I'll defeat you and then the Princess will be mine!" He would say.

"I'll protect the Princess, even with my life! Because I'm Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto would shout. He was, of course, so naturally awesome that a princess would hire him to protect her.

The Stone Ninja would growl before putting his hands in a seal. "You'll never survive my Ultimate Earth Jutsu! Just give up!"

"No! I'll never give up and I'll never quit," Naruto would say before adjusting his headband. "Because that's my nindo!"

"You fool! I'll destroy you!" He would say before leaping into action and then-

The rest of the fantasy was interrupted by a giant booming noise that shook both the trees and ground alike.

Naruto didn't have time to brace himself as a large backdraft slammed through the trees, throwing the young 'hero' into one himself. Blinking the stars out of his eyes, Naruto stood up. "Damn! That really hurt!"

All pain disappeared as the questions piled on the blonde's tiny mind. 'What was that? A ninja fight? An awesome jutsu!?'

He didn't bother to think about the consequences of checking it out because he was too curious. Unable to stop himself from shaking in excitement, he jumped to the top of a tree and began to run toward the burning smell.

"This is so cool, dattebayo!" He could boast about fighting an enemy ninja. And then even Sasuke would have to look up at him, and admit how totally kickass he was.

And Sakura-chan…

"Oh Naruto! I can't believe that you defeated an enemy ninja! You're so cool!" she would say.

And Naruto would be all like: "Cooler than Sasuke?"

And she would be like: "Yeah. Sasuke can't hold a candle to you, Naruto!"

Naruto suppressed the rising blush before running forward with increased vigor.

-

"You Konoha guys are whack."

Killer Bee was disappointed.

The entire ANBU team had been displaced, in the worst way. Two of them had been caught in the initial blast and a third had been turned into sashimi by Killer Bee's swords. In fact, the only two still breathing were the only female member, who had been stabbed through the shoulder, and the tiger-masked guy.

At least Tiger-face had been a challenge. It was hard to kill someone when they kept growing trees out of the ground to guard them.

Then again, all he did was run.

"Yugao! Are you okay?" he heard Tiger-face ask.

"Ugh… yeah… I'm losing blood fast, but…" she responded.

"I see," Tiger-face said. The kumo-nin saw him land on a tree branch, purple-haired ANBU in tow.

"Killer Bee," Tiger-face said. The Hachibi host could have sighed. He knew what was coming. "It looks as if we will have to continue our fight another time."

Then he disappeared.

"What a bitch," Killer Bee told no one in particular. Though he wouldn't admit it, it was for the best. All that moving had really upset his stomach and he was about to release the contents of said stomach all over the once-tranquil forest. "Damn. Getting crunk sucks."

'I told you, you ignoramous!' the Hachibi chided.

"Shut up, ox." It was official, he was going to get sick.

"Dattebayo!"

When he first saw Uzumaki Naruto, Killer Bee had convinced himself that not only was he drunk, but that Yugito had gotten her revenge by slipping some of those "mountain mushrooms" into his drink.

Seriously, how could a hyperactive kid wearing an orange jumpsuit with goggles be real?

'Look at what you wear, idiot.'

Oh yeah.

"Hey, hey! You a ninja?" One minute, the kid had been standing thirty feet away. The next he was in his face, asking questions.

Still, he was Killer Bee, so... "hell yeah! Don't you see this headband?! It means that I'm a Cloud-nin, kid!"

His declaration was met with a confused stare.

"Kumogakure, stupid! It's like the greatest village ever! How don't you know about that, yo!?" Killer Bee asked.

The kid's face scrunched up. "Hey! I'm not stupid! And only an idiot would think Kumogakure is so great! Konohagakure is the greatest ninja village, dattebayo!"

Great. He was shouting now. Killer Bee's head couldn't take this.

"Shut up! What's so great about a leaf anyways? They grow on trees and don't do shit."

"Yeah?! Well what's so great about clouds? They don't do anything but sit there and rain on people."

"Idiot! Lightning comes from clouds, and lightning is totally ill, word!? What do leaves even have to do with fire?!"

Well. No arguing with that. That still didn't stop the young ninja from growling and yelling out the best counter-insult an eleven year old could.

"Well… you look stupid!"

Killer Bee's eye twitched. This kid could rip on Kumo all he wanted, but to dis his style… he would have none of that shit. "Coming from a blond-ferret in a jumpsuit, that doesn' t mean much!"

"You take that back!"

"Yeah right, kid. You couldn't make me even if you wanted to."

"You bastard! I'll show you what Konoha's all about!" the blond said before rearing back his fist.

'Wow,' thought Killer Bee as the fist moved ever-so-slowly toward him. 'This is pathetic.'

He could have caught the punch easily, but he had a better idea.

Naruto grinned as his fist connected with the Kumo-nin's stomach. 'With all of my awesome ninja power, I'll teach this guy a lesson he won't forget! Dattebayo!'

That grin turned to a grimace as soon as he realized that the only thing that he damaged was his own fist.

"YYYEEEEEOOOWW!"

Killer Bee couldn't help but to chuckle as the kid hopped around on his feet, holding his bruised hand. Of course, that young ninja wannabe couldn't damage the most illest, dope, completely stylin'…

...you get the picture.

Still, he had to admire the kid's determination. Any other ninja would have either run or done that boring 'hide-and-seek' routine.

"You'll pay for that!" Uzumaki Naruto said, his hand still smarting.

"Heh, shows you not to fuck with the Killer Bee! 'Specially not when he's representin', you dig?" Killer Bee asked.

Naruto fumed before pointing at him. "I don't understand a word you just said!"

This time, it was Killer Bee's turn to sweatdrop.

"And what the hell is a killer bee? It sounds stupid!" Naruto said. Then his anger suddenly disappated. "Is it some kind of jutsu?! Is that how you blew up the forest!!"

"Damn it kid. I'm Killer Bee! That's my name and don't forget it!" The Kumo-nin found himself yelling again. "And that jutsu was nothing! It's just only fraction of my power, you hear?!"

Any normal ninja would have asked why Killer Bee was yelling, but Naruto was yelling just as much for another nonsensical reason.

'How can I not hear?' Naruto thought. "Yeah right! None of the good ninja ever boast; they're all tough and silent!"

Unfortunately, irony was lost on the young 'hero.'

Meanwhile, Killer Bee had just about decided that he had enough with this kid. There was a logical part of himself that had successfully reasoned with him not to unveil his head-explodingly-awesome moves. Unfortunately he was both crunk and pissed off and so the Kumo-nin found no problem with showing the young ninja-hopeful exactly what he could do.

'Hell, when have I ever shied away from a challenge? Never! Because I'm the masta killah, the old school shinobi-thrillah! So all you bitches better watch yo backs 'cause-'

'Shut the fuck up!' Hachibi screamed.

In the outside world, Naruto was merely looking at the Kumo-nin, who had taken to staring at the ground in a very non-conspicuous way.

'What is this guy's problem?'

"Ok then!" Killer Bee shouted suddenly. He crouched into a ninja pose before throwing his hands forward into a single seal. "I'm gonna show you my totally fresh jutsu!"

Naruto's face lit up.

"And when I'm done, you'll be all like: "Killer Bee-sensei, please teach me your dope, hip-hop ninjutsu style. Watch closely kid!"

Killer Bee drew the most chakra that he could into the single seal, not wanting to bother the Hachibi for more. Though all of the rapping-nin's chakra was more than enough to create a particularly destructive attack.

Naruto watched in anticipation as the weird Cloud ninja formed five seals. The chakra that he gathered around himself was immense and even an un-skilled, pre-ninja like Naruto could feel the sheer power radiating from it.

Even miles away, Tenzo, the tiger-face, could feel the unbelievable amount of life-energy being gathered. "Good thing we got away, right Yugao?"

Said ninja only nodded weakly as she watched the blood pour from her shoulder at an alarming rate.

Naruto almost shook with excitement as the ninja in front of him flashed the last seal. He was finally going to see it! That awesome jutsu that destroyed the…

Killer Bee's 'totally fresh jutsu' was interrupted by his inevitable blowing of chunks all over a lightweight genin with blonde hair and an orange (Wait! It's turning green) jumpsuit.

"EEEEWWWW!!"

The Kumo-nin realized then that he was going to pass out, but he didn't have enough time brace himself. Instead he merely fell over on his side.

'Damn, I look like a complete poser. This is so whack.'

'Serves you right. Idiot.'

"Get it off, get it off!" He could hear Naruto scream as he practically ripped his orange jacket off.

With that, the most illest, dope ninja in all of the universe (and possibility ever in all of history) blacked out.

Fuck!

-

**End Verse**

I haven't heard Killer Bee actually rhyme yet, but made him anyways because it goes with the rap theme. His rhyming is the closest thing to Rudy Ray Moore that I could duplicate. In other words, it's supposed to sound really bad and cheesy.

This is sort of the prototype for the story so please review and give me insight, be it compliments or criticism. My goal for this is to write crack while keeping the characters relatively in-character.

Bring Da Ruckus - Wu-Tang Clan


End file.
